14 Ways I’ll Never Be Like a Kardashian When I’m Rich & Famous
There are 14 Ways I’ll Never be Like a Kardashian When I’m Rich & Famous. How do I know? Well, let me explain.
Last night, my husband caught a glimpse of a close up of Kim Kardashian’s face on my teenage daughter’s TV.
Disgusted, he asked her why she always tuned in to watch KUWTK.
I dunno. It’s just on. I’m not really watching anyway. I’ll turn it off.
When he came downstairs, he told me how he didn’t understand why anyone would watch reality TV. The man simply could not relate.
Many people feel this way, and I do too to a certain extent.
But my pants would literally catch on fire if I said I didn’t love reality television every now and then.
At nine, I never missed an episode of “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” or “You Can Be a Star.” Ah, yes, those were the OG’s of reality television and where it all started back in the eighties. Back then, you had to have serious talent plus a decent agent to achieve fame and fortune.
Nowadays, you just need…um..heck I don’t know exactly, but I do know that thanks to Kim Kardashian and her band of weirdos my champagne wishes and caviar dreams could still come true.
Look, I’m not saying I have my hopes up, but I don’t have them down either. I tell my kids every day they can do anything, so what’s stopping me? I’m not a carton of milk that expires by a certain date. But see, here’s the deal, when and if I become fabulously popular and wealthy despite the fact that I cannot act or sing I will never be like the Kardashians.
14 Ways I’ll Never Be Like a Kardashian
–I’ll never wear a latex dress because it’s couture I can’t imagine that this get up would breathe during a hot flash when you get all sweaty, and also I can’t get myself into Spanx without falling down a few times, so I’m not gonna risk breaking a hip for fashion
–I’ll never have a picture of myself balancing a glass of champagne on my derriere I just don’t have space back there. I might be able to balance a shot glass…on a good day.
-I’ll never throw a Coachella-themed birthday party I love love love my kids, but I once tried a theme party, and I threw my back out painting a circus tent on a styrofoam board so never again
–I’ll never use a compass to name my child Maybe GoogleMaps or MapQuest, but I’ve never been able to use a compass and I’m ok with that.
–I’ll never own a Swarovski-encrusted refrigerator That’s gaudy. Everybody knows Swarovski-encrusted can openers is where you draw the line
–I’ll never take 1,235,456 selfies a day I don’t have that kind of space on my phone. It’s always running out storage and besides what kind of person thinks to take a pic of themselves every five minutes?
–I’ll never own a $10,000 toilet Unless it cleans itself and then I may entertain the notion
–I’ll never tell women to stay out of the ocean during that time of the month to avoid shark attacks Puh-Leeze! Everybody knows sharks only attack when that music from Jaws is playing
–I’ll never say that stretch marks are my biggest fear How ridiculous! They come in second after flying monkeys!
–I’ll never “take” NYC or Miami I would take a nap though
–I’ll never get into a fight with Taylor Swift I love her! I think I may be a Swiftie, but I’m not sure and my teenager isn’t here to confirm. Oh well, Swiftie or not, there won’t be any public feuds…That’s just tacky.
–I’ll never end all of my sentences in such a way that it sounds like I am asking a question? Simply because I’m not a nitwit
–I’ll never have a meme made of my ugly cry face Mine would be a Giff. Definitely a Giff
-I’ll never claim that the worst thing on the planet is when women wear the wrong foundation color Can you believe Kim said this? Obviously, the absolute worst thing in the world is when a woman has a platform, and she doesn’t use it to do good things.
You know, I could probably write one hundred thousand more ways, but I think you get the point. I think 14 Ways I’ll Never Be Like a Kardashian When I’m Rich & Famous is enough. I’m scared if I think too much more about them I’ll lose brain cells!
What do you think? If you had Kardashian money, what would you spend it on?