Last minute dinner preparation is usually a disaster.
Last minute dinner shopping is always a disaster.
Especially for me, since I tend to get a bit…um…what was I talking about…oh yes, that’s right…distracted.
Let me walk you through it.
The Grand Entrance
These kid games are so nasty.
Who invented these tiny germ-a-paloozas inside grocery store lobbies anyway? How much money do they make off of them? Do they have yearly conferences for them where they give awards to the best kiddie ride sales person?
That kid on the miniature fire truck is rubbing his snot all over the handles and…wait for it…yep…he just coughed without covering his mouth.
Better pick up some Vitamin C while I’m here…it’s going to be a long flu season.
The Super Center
First stop-Sanitizing wipes (wonder if these guys are in cahoots with the kiddie playground people?) where I grab more than my share to do a number on my cart. The fire truck kiddo skeeved me out, and I’m not rolling the dice…
Remind self that I’m on a mission to get dinner stuff.
Now these are new…double chocolate chip! The kids would love these! But what about the Oatmeal Raisin? I KNOW they are delicious…and they seem like the healthier choice, but the label on the chocolate chips say they are loaded with chocolatey goodness…
I stand at cookie display for ten minutes debating between the two and ultimately get neither.
Buy fruit instead and guide self toward the poultry…
Mission. For. Dinner.
What the hell is going on in my purse? It’s vibrating.
It’s my phone… Why doesn’t it ring? It rings when I don’t want it to ring. Why does technology hate me?
Answer call. It’s the hubs.
Agree to buy milk. Listen to half of his story about his Bronco and a KC light and…what’s that? I totally checked out on him. Yeah. Ok. Bye.
Milk. Milk. Milk.
If I say it three times I won’t forget.
Peruse the newly renovated produce section and vow to make something with kale. I’ve read about the healing properties of the superfood on Goop. If it’s good enough for Gwyneth Paltrow, then we should definitely give it another try. We just got a bad batch that time. A really bad batch…
Kale. Kale. Kale.
Oh, wow, dried fruit and nut snack mix!
Now that’s a cute display.
See, Wal-Mart can be as cute as Kroger…
Skip over to inspect the labels. I can do that quickly. Since my son is on a gluten-free diet, I have become an avid label reader…
The nut mix checks out!
I celebrate that I don’t have to travel to acquire healthy snacks!
See the price.
$7.50 per bag.
Holy crap this is expensive (put back snack mix)…I can totally put this together myself for less money. (Never going to happen)
Ok. What am I doing here again?
That’s right, chicken. Chicken for dinner, but I need a recipe, so let me just pull up Pinterest and see what I can find…
8 Genius Cleaning Hacks That’ll Blow My Mind?
Yes, PLEASE!!! I may be in a hurry, but my house is out of control…I can spare a second for my mind to be blown as long as I’m near the poultry.
According to the Pin, if I buy Lysol, sponges, and a few microfiber cloths, I’ll be on my way to Household Nirvana!!! Nirvana!
I figure if I hustle, I can make it back to the house before the hubs gets home.
With a new laser sharp focus, I quickly navigate through the aisles of the superstore.
No more eye contact with the other shoppers…its go time.
I round the sugar aisle with so much gusto that I nearly take down the display of Hershey’s Chocolate Bars and Marshmallows. I’ll pass on the S’more’s today thankyouverymuch.
Or maybe I should get them because that family looks so happy around the fire…
NO, Heather! NO! You are on a mission!!!
Right. Focus! Household Nirvana!
The Grand Distraction
I can almost smell the Lysol as I make my way to the cleaning aisles when I run into what appears to be an unfortunate family party prep by the Clorox Wipes.
Two unattended carts full of toilet paper, packages of various lunch meats and cheeses, assorted canned beverages, and diapers block my route to the sponges and clothes. I spot two adult women with what I assume to be their offspring collaborating nearby over the paper plates and utensils.
They were dressed in ill-fitting T-shirts that proclaimed their love to Jesus, and George Strait paired with cotton polyester blend black stretch pants that were fully expanded. Also, crocs. As the children ran about the women engaged in a heated argument over place settings.
It went something like this.
“I ain’t paying no $5.95 for any fancy “Chinet” plates for them to throw away in no day-um garbage can. You gone git that other or dare for $2!”
Hum…Now, I wouldn’t put fancy and “Chinet” together, but she made her point. Now I needed them to get the damn plates and get the hell out of my way. They were blocking my Nirvana. I knew they saw me, because I loudly declined when one of their children asked to use my phone.
“But Mawma, it needs to be fan-see…its my weddin!!!”
“But it ain’t yer ferst!!! Hail, you just spit out a kid from yer last one!”
Oh No…From my experience, I don’t they were into Jesus or George Strait unless they’d both turned a corner with their messages.
The pair proceeded to curse at each other for approximately ten minutes.
As angry as I was, I realized that I was in the midst of something that I had only read about -heard about- by way of Jeff Foxworthy… The Redneck Wedding! The contents of the cart made sense now.
I knew I needed to go, but I had to see it through.
“Day-um, gurl, you gun break me. I’ll tell you sumthing right day-um now; this had better be your last day-um weddin!!!”
With that she went on and put one, I repeat, one package of premium strength “Chinet” Classic White Dinner Plates in her buggy and stormed off.
The younger woman gathered her posse of children together by screaming their names as she loaded the rest of her cart with giant bags of Great Value Dog Food. Before she scooted her overloaded buggy off to self-check, she remarked, to no one in particular,
“This is sum bullshit.”
I forgot the chicken.
And the milk.
When I arrived home, my husband asked me what we were having for dinner.
And I just laughed.