I imagine this is how the conversation went down this morning between my husband and my children. My family, these people that I love, are either trying to sabotage me or drive me to the brink of insanity. After a month of volunteering, shuttling, and participating in more craptastic voyages than Shatner could shake a stick at, I am more than due my day.
More. Than. Due.
Perhaps my cheese has finally slid off of my cracker?
Or, maybe my family has a plan to send me straight to the nuthouse.
At this point, I don’t care.
As long as my padded cell has WiFi, I do not care.
So, guys, Mom is trying to write, huh? Well, good for her. I’m glad she has a little hobby. We should probably take her “seriously,” just in case this is her time of the month. We all remember what happened when she said she wanted to be a professional bedazzler and we made fun of her. Don’t want a repeat of that.
No, let’s tell her that she can have ALL of the time that she wants. Tell her she can relax. Heck, we can even make her feel a little guilty about it and then, when she says she’ll leave so she can concentrate, we will say not to bother! She should stay at home…where she is comfortable. We will go because we love her enough to make that sacrifice.
Then, we will stay home and wait.
Once we hear the tapping sounds of her fingers on the keyboard, we will know she’s on a roll. And that’s when we attack.
Here’s the plan.
-Open and shut the outside door, making the ADT “Garage Door Opening Now” Code Voice go off at least 135 times in at least an hour. The nine-year-old will be in charge of counting.
-Send the nine-year-old to ask her where she keeps unnecessary items like that Dr. Seuss Deviled Egg Plate, the beer steins we never use, and the toilet book of motivational quotes.
-Kids-Play loudly outside her window (Be sure to say “Stop touching me!” “STOP IT” and “Don’t poop outside!”)
-Teenager-She’ll let you in if you say you want to talk, but then you do nothing but take SnapChat pictures, videos and check Twitter.
-Send the nine-year-old to her door to ask if she can ask Mom something.
-Run through the house screaming (Kids)
-Run through house screaming (Dad)
-Ring the doorbell at least thirty times in a row, making Mom believe there’s an emergency (Laugh when she finds out I just wasn’t watching you)
-Call Mom repeatedly for no good reason. When she answers, I’ll say I forgot why I called.
-Allow the family dog to scratch at Mom’s door for an unlimited period. She wanted the dog in the first place.
-Slam all doors…multiple times…even though you normally don’t even shut them.
-Knock on Mom’s bedroom window and once you’ve gotten her attention, wave slowly and cry as if you’ve been separated for weeks (Do this at the 10-minute mark.)
-Send teenager back again for something “REALLY CRUCIAL THIS TIME” & after Mom falls for it, tell her “Just kidding, I had to get away from Dad.”
-Slide notes under Mom’s door saying “We miss you” (Send at thirty-minute mark.)
-Set up camp outside Mom’s door and play songs like “I Will Remember You” & “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan (Mom loves Sarah McLachlan! She will appreciate this, and it will help her creative process.)
And when her relaxation time is over, and it’s time to shift her energy and focus toward the home that is now trashed like a bunch of frat guys hosted an all night keg party in it…
-Tell Mom you don’t understand why it takes so long for her to write? Ugh, what do you do in there, anyway!?!